Second chance

I am writing this on Thursday night when I still do not know what is going to happen to me and my future. With a little bit of luck, I will find it next Monday, maybe tomorrow.

I have had this sentence in mind since the very beginning: I knew it. I knew you would the best AND worst thing that could ever happened to me.

I remember the first day we met. You were not wearing jeans but your usual stuff. Nice color on you though. I had no idea who you were but I immediately felt attracted to you (do not worry, I will not make those cheesy comparisons between the moon and the earth. It is not my style. I actually felt as if you were a magnet pushing me towards you). I first thought you were a pretty decent-looking guy but then you smiled and that, that, was the beginning of the end of my common sense, self control, self esteem and every single word containing self in it. Even myself.

At first, I just considered you one of the people I could trust the most. A good listener and somebody who would take care of me and my needs if necessary. Unfortunately, the more I got to know you, the more I got into you. What started like a fun game has ended up consuming me. I seriously do not know who I am anymore. If, 2 years ago, somebody had told me I would be doing things like this... I would have laughed in their face -"No way, I am not like that!"-. We have this saying in Spanish nunca digas de esta agua no beberé (which could be translated as "never say never"). So appropriate...

I have spent almost two years trying to get closer to you. Anything would give me the excuse to "talk" to you, to contact you. I just needed to feel your presence, to know that you were still there. However, for doing so I have felt like an idiot, a loser, a stalker, a bitch and a slut.

It is not all my fault though. It all started with an (innocent?) comment, remember? You said: "hey, what are you doing on Friday? I would like to have a drink with you but it has to be after midnight". It´s funny, I was so confused by what it would mean that I got completely lost on my way home.

You also have this personality... I never know if you are joking or actually mean it. However, that can be a double-edged sword. Believe it or not, I felt quite hurt when you asked me if I would marry you to stay in this country. Of course I know you were not serious about it but considering the circumstances, what would you expect?

I have tons of male friends in Spain, I usually get along better with men than with women. Some of these men are married, some are engaged and some are single but I have always known where the line is drawn. With you is completely different, I never know what to think or how to act.

I am not going to blame you, anyway. Everybody knows that those who play with fire will eventually get burned.

I am aware that I am way too impulsive and that I will regret sending you the link to access this. It has always been the same. I will say or do something and, 5 minutes later, my old Catholic guilt will knock on my soul.

But... how can you control your feelings? How can you avoid feeling what you feel?

These are the thoughts I was supposed to share with you my very last day in this country. I was also supposed to tell you, face to face. I do not think I have the guts though. Not that I would be able to do it either, you keep on interrupting me whenever I try to talk to you!

My common sense tells me not to publish this, even for such a short period of time, but I need to get it out of my chest. I am sure you already knew everything above but at least this will explain a lot of things. If not... you guys really don´t have a clue about anything, do you?

I trust you and I hope you will not use it against me but if you do... too bad then. I guess I was the one looking for it.